Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
