if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
