There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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