Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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