Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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