Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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