this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
