What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
