I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
