Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Plan B is the new Plan A
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
