Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
