last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
