Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
