Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i think im in europe. pls send help
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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