Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
