24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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