I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
