i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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