Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
