When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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