My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
