I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
