maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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