Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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