Banned from zoo.
Again?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
