Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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