why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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