I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
