How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
