There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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