First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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