wanna go halves on a baby?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
