You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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