Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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