I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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