i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
