I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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