I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
