My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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