Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
