Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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