The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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