This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
