He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
