apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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