cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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