anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
