Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
