The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
