my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
