im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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