I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
